The Many Faces of Anxiety
For many of us, it can be hard to ignore the pervasive feelings of anxiety that overwhelm our daily lives. It’s right out there in front of us, demanding our attention. Sometimes, an event or situation is so obviously creating anxiety in us that we exhibit all the tell-tale signs - a swift exit, tears, physical symptoms like racing heart, stomachache or shortness of breath. But sometimes, anxiety can be sneaky, hidden. It’s lurking underneath the dark water of anger or grief. Anxiety can present as shyness or blustering boldness or inattention. The truth is, anxiety has many faces, both in adults and children. When we overlook anxiety in ourselves, or the ones we love, we can miss an opportunity to enrich our lives, free up some of our precious energy and develop resilience and joy.
First, we have to understand that anxiety has purpose and meaning. It’s our body’s alarm system. As one of my daughters so astutely put it, worry can help motivate us to study for tests, brush our teeth, and eat our veggies. It can slow us down and help us make healthy choices. Then, it retreats and lets us return to a steadier state as we continue on with our day. For people with anxiety disorders, however, it doesn’t stop there. Their alarm system is going off constantly, and they are continuously living in flight, fight or freeze mode. It’s exhausting and overwhelming, to say the least.
After we understand what our brains and bodies are doing when they are overrun with anxiety, we can look at how the anxiety shows up. It’s different for everyone. Some presentations may sound more familiar to you than others. Not all of us are living with an anxiety disorder but it can be helpful to know how our anxious voice speaks to us when we are feeling overwhelmed with the breakneck pace of life these days. When we know how our anxiety presents, we can pay attention to the stories we are telling ourselves around that anxiety. Then, we are better able to reality check those stories and correct them if needed.
For many people, especially those with an anxiety disorder, descriptions of anxiety include feelings of impending doom, ceaseless worry, tension, nervousness or dread. The physiological symptoms of anxiety, sometimes called the somatization of anxiety, include shortness of breath (hyperventilation), stomach-ache or pains, headache, thumping heart or racing heartbeat, headaches, feeling of pins and needles, restlessness, sweating and trembling. Sometimes, these symptoms can culminate in a panic attack. Although panic attacks don’t actually threaten our bodies, they can invoke the feeling of impending death, which is as terrifying as it sounds. For people who experience panic attacks, it can help to seek support, education and tools to better understand and eventually stop them. Personally, my physical symptoms of anxiety include a thumping or irregular heartbeat and the feeling that no matter how deeply I breathe, I can’t get enough air. Now that I understand how anxiety shows up for me, I am much better equipped to deal with it.
Other indicators of anxiety can be a bit more subtle. We have all heard about people who are mortally afraid of public speaking or a child having difficulty separating from their caregivers. Some of the lesser known presentations of anxiety include irritability and anger. Have you ever experienced your child or spouse yell or snap at you only to find out later that they are really just worried about a test or presentation the next day? It can be more challenging to respond to anxiety with compassion when it’s coming out as anger as opposed to tears, but the truth is, both expressions are equally as painful and powerful. Anxiety can also show up as inattention. It makes sense, right? When you are worried about your parent’s health and daughter’s grades and a newly implemented system at work, it takes precious brainpower and attention away from your task at hand. Understanding that anxiety can show up beyond timidity and dissolving into a puddle of tears can help us to move through it rather than ignore it. Ignoring anxiety only strengthens its power.
Another face of anxiety can be perfectionism and control. This is a big one for me, especially when it comes to parenting. I have to be very conscious about how my anxiety shows up when I feel uncomfortable with my children’s conflicts or their big feelings. I know that when I take an unusual interest in how clean my floors are, there might be something else going on. I also see myself trying to swoop in and do things that my children are capable of doing on their own. If I have (or take) control, it will surely get done right. What I forget is that it also means I am taking away an opportunity for my children to develop independence and resilience. As I continue to try to control every outcome by micromanaging, I feed more and more into the cycle of anxiety, increasing my worry about things that might fly below my radar.
Or how about those endless self-inflicted to-do lists? Does anyone else have those? Believe me, I’m all for a list of to-dos that I can confidently check off at the end of a job well (or well enough) done. But a sign of overwhelming anxiety for me can be the rambling, endless lists that include everything from deep cleaning the fridge to arranging tomorrow’s carpool and everything in between, the lists that are, at best, unachievable in a day, and at worst, setting me up to fail in my own eyes. I find myself making these scary, overwhelming lists when I’m feeling anxious. I pile more on to bury the feeling of anxiety or to hide the awareness of whatever has triggered my spiral. If I’m so busy with my to-do list, I can’t feel or see or understand the root of what is happening in my brain and body. It’s just another form of avoidance.
What are your anxiety tells?
Take a moment to turn towards your anxiety with curiosity. What is it trying to tell you? Then create a little bit of distance between yourself and that story. Is it something that is out of your control? Is it something illogical or untrue? Anxiety will always come around, at some point, in some form. We can never get rid of it completely. Instead of trying to run away from or numb the anxiety, we can work to change the thinking and behaviors that contribute to the anxiety. If we can make these changes, we can spend less of our energy trying to soothe the anxiety that has been crippling us. Having trouble with overwhelming anxiety? Please reach out. I’d love to help.
