Perfectionism and Anxiety
What does it mean when I want it to be perfect?
I’m not quite sure when my anxiety first presented, but I have memories of early middle school, sitting at the foot of my bed trying very hard not to panic as I struggled to take a full, complete breath. I felt like no matter how full my lungs were, I wasn’t getting enough air. The harder I tried, the worse it was. My very loving, attentive and well-intentioned parents took me to the pediatrician, who found nothing physically wrong with me. I was left alone with this choking feeling that persisted for years. It wasn’t until early adulthood that I realized what it was and figured out what worked for me to stop that feeling; a combination of self-awareness and tools I learned to help me get control of my anxiety. But even now, after years of training and practice, when my house is messy, my schedule is too full, my children are hangry or I forget to send in the permission slip, that feeling creeps back up and I know I have to revisit my toolbox and take stock of myself.
The link between perfectionism and anxiety is tried and true. It’s a synergistic relationship where one feeds the other, so much so that it’s hard to understand where one ends and the other begins. If we suffer from perfectionistic tendencies, our lives become rigid and full of anxiety as we try to meet the unrealistic expectations we have for ourselves. If our anxiety leads us to fear the worst possible outcome of a situation, we are pushed into either avoidance or the need to control EVERYTHING. We try to create the perfect outcome, controlling every aspect we can in order to avoid or outrun the bad outcome. We try to control everything in order to quell the feeling that we are, in fact, out of control.
We all know perfect doesn’t exist. We know it intellectually, at least. But I will admit that I get caught up in perfectionism when I’m not paying attention. When my oldest daughter was very little, maybe three years old, we were hosting a holiday dinner. I didn’t time the food quite right. Children (and adults) were hungry, some dishes were hot and ready, others were nowhere near done. I was visibly frustrated, and I said to my mom, “I just wanted everything to be…” and before I could even form the word, my tiny little girl piped up from the doorway, “Perfect?!”. I cringed so deeply, knowing I was definitely not living my values in that moment. I was modeling anxious perfectionism instead of flexibility, openness, and joy. I had told myself somewhere along the way that getting the entire meal on the table at the right time and temperature, having it looking just right was more important than a meaningful conversation with my mom or a playful moment with my children.
Perfectionism will get the best of us all from time to time. It keeps us from being curious, from moving forward, from trying new things. When it is keeping us from living our values and fullest life, change can feel both essential and out of reach. It takes work - curiosity and courage - to make that anxious, perfectionist voice into background noise.
First, I have to figure out how anxiety presents in me. Is it in my body? Am I short of breath? Short tempered? Angry, even? Am I quietly counting, triple checking, avoiding a certain activity or place? It takes time and attention to notice where your anxiety shows up and in what context. Next, what am I telling myself in those moments? We tell ourselves a lot of stories, but not all of them are true.
What automatic thoughts do you have that lead you away from calm and into an anxiety swirl?
Are they true?
How might you work to challenge and change those thoughts so they are more aligned with your values?
Sometimes, it takes the help of a professional to untangle the web of perfectionism and anxiety. It’s hard work, but change will come, and with it, courageous calm.
