Five Things You Can Do for Your Child in a Moment of Overwhelming Anxiety
“I am NOT GOING!!!!”
Cue the tears, mild hyperventilation and then the full on melt down mode has been engaged. This story may sound very familiar to you as a parent. And, I assure you, most (dare I say all?!) of us have been there, myself included. For some people, it’s a one-off. But for those of us with anxious kids, it is all too frequent and completely overwhelming. Parenting in these moments can be frustrating, painful, and exhausting. And, yes, I am speaking from experience.
Anxiety is a completely normal feeling and serves a very important function in our lives. It keeps us safe, slows us down when needed and helps us to make smart choices in the face of danger. When we feel anxious, the part of our brain that triggers the “fight, flight or freeze” response is engaged. Our bodies get ready to respond to danger, even if the danger is only perceived and we aren’t, in fact, being threatened. For someone who isn’t dealing with an anxiety disorder, once the issue causing their anxiety has been resolved, they can move on. Their brain registers the change and they can return relatively easily to a state of calm. For our anxious kiddos, however, their brain continues to stay in the heightened state of vigilance, continuing to tell their bodies that there is imminent danger.
Sound exhausting? Oh, yes. It sure is. And I know as a parent of an anxious child, you see this present in many forms every single day.
Understanding where the anxiety is coming from, what it does to our bodies and what we can do as parents to break the cycle is undoubtedly important. But we also need tools in the melt down moment to help move our child in the direction of calm.
Whatever it is that’s triggering our child in that moment, whether it be an undesired activity, separating from you or seeing a spider, we can learn to respond in a way that will soothe, re-ground and move our child forward as opposed to giving in to the worry or the avoidance that has our child in its vice. Let’s look at 5 things we can do for our child when they are gripped in a moment of anxiety:
1) STAY CALM. Did you want to close the browser when you read that? At one point, I might have done the same. It’s so easy to say and SO HARD TO DO. But guess what? I have found this same phrase in almost every place I’ve looked when researching anxiety – Anxiety is contagious. If your child is in a heightened state of anxiety, chances are it will rub right off onto you. And when your child looks at you for help, they will see your panic and then, it’s confirmed! There is reason to worry! As hard as it sounds, it’s important to model calm to your child. They will eventually begin to mirror that calm.
2) Ground them in the moment. Why? Anxious brains are often either thinking about the past or worried about a future event that is causing them distress. Getting them to notice their feet on the ground and the smell of dinner cooking in the background will help bring them into the present moment. This is a proven way to help calm their amygdala, the part of their brain that’s setting off all these alarm systems. Try this grounding exercise: Name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can touch, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. Engaging the senses is a great way to pull your child’s attention back to the present moment.
3) Breathe. Did you have the urge to leave the blog again?! I know, breathing is an obvious one. But it really does help. The truth is, it’s the quickest way return your child to a calmer state. Deep breaths help to calm the sympathetic nervous system (responsible for that fight or flight state your anxious child spends a lot of time in) and engage the parasympathetic nervous system, also called the “rest and digest” system. This, in turn, calms your child and gives them a little more control over their body. Your child has likely been exposed to breathing exercises already, like five finger breathing or box breathing. Utilizing these exercises in the moment of a meltdown really can help. Not familiar with five finger breathing or box breathing? They are so easy and a great tool to practice, especially when things are calm. Make sure you join your child in the breathing exercise! It’s mutually beneficial for the parent when they are presented with that gripping, contagious anxiety. Five Finger Breathing – Have your child spread their fingers wide and with the pointer finger of the other hand, trace the fingers. For each finger, take a slow, deep breath in and out. Box Breathing – Start by breathing out slowly. Then, take a deep breath in to the count of four. Hold the breath for another four counts. Exhale for another count of four. Then, hold your breath for another four counts. This method is used by Navy Seals to help lower the body’s stress response and stress hormone called cortisol.
4) Fight the urge to say “There is nothing to worry about!”. But it feels like the logical thing to say! There is nothing to worry about! You are safe and there is no actual danger! The problem is, your child is stuck in this anxious flight or fight state. Their body is primed to avoid the perceived danger or fight the approaching monster. Their brain has tricked them into believing that there is, in fact, everything to worry about. By telling them the opposite, it is assuming that they can think logically along with you, and at that moment of severe distress, logic is out the window. Try, instead, saying, “Wow, I see how upset you are right now. That must feel awful. Why don’t we take a couple of deep breaths before we talk about it?” I find it always helps to validate your child’s intense feeling and experience instead of trying to avoid it or shut it down. You may think this is playing into the drama or giving them an excuse to keep acting out, but it will have quite the opposite effect. Shedding light on the feeling of anxiety, even by just naming it, lessens its power. It will provide a small opening to engage in some breathing and grounding so you can move towards calm and maybe even logic. With all of that said, I will be honest. I have definitely told my anxious child there was nothing to worry about or to stop worrying. The cycle is exhausting and constant and we all get overwhelmed. But we can always go back to that moment when everyone is calm again and say to your child, “Hey, remember that moment? I wish I had handled it differently. I wish I had told you …” It’s an opportunity to show our children that we are human and the goal is not (unattainable) perfection, but growth!
5) Give the anxiety a name and persona. In our house, anxiety has names like Fred and Joe. When Fred and Joe show up, we talk to them, engage them, and politely (or perhaps not so politely) ask them to hit the road because they are not needed. Some children might want to talk back to their anxiety forcefully. Other children might want to thank the anxiety for playing a role in keeping them safe, but to kindly step back because right now, it’s not helpful! Whatever name or approach they choose, this activity gives your child more confidence and control in the moment where anxiety seems to have the upper hand.
Hopefully, some or all of these tools will help you feel more confident when your child is in the grips of overwhelming anxiety. It can be so challenging as a parent to deal with these moments, especially when they have become a pattern. If you find you need support in breaking the cycle of anxiety, battling your own anxiety or helping your child address their anxiety in more depth, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’d love to help.
