The “Good Enough” Mother

What if we let go a little bit? What if we were just “good enough”?

I was well into my graduate program before I heard the phrase “good enough mother”. I was far from becoming a mother at the time, so the idea held only a very academic, theoretical meaning for me. Now, however, it has become some what of a creed. It has helped me become my best self as a mother.

What is the concept of the “good enough mother”? This term was named by the British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Dr. Donald Winnicott who studied mothers and babies in the 1950’s. The idea is that when babies are first born, the mother (or caregiver) is completely and utterly attuned to the baby’s every need, at the expense of her own needs. The caregiver sacrifices sleep, eating, socialization to the immediate care of the baby and its needs. If you are a parent and reading this, you know those days. They are equal parts blissful and dark, exquisite and bitterly exhausting. Maybe you’re living those moments now, up at 2am with a fussy little one whose needs you are putting above your own. This stage is essential in laying the groundwork for a healthy attachment but the research and lived experience shows that this type of attention is not sustainable, nor is it really desired long term. Either purposefully or out of exhausted necessity, the caregiver allows the baby to experience frustration. You let the baby fuss momentarily while eating your dinner. You sweat as you watch a loving grandparent try to soothe your cranky baby when you know all they want is you. The baby is safe and cared for, and the experience of frustration is short lived, but it gives the baby necessary practice in tolerating that feeling. The baby has had the foundation of loving care and devotion, followed by safe exposure to the world around them. It’s good practice, knowing that the world will not bend to our child’s every need like we parents once did in those early days.

Building frustration tolerance is a great antidote for anxiety. Done safely and compassionately, it can become a superpower. Understanding how we react to the feeling of frustration is invaluable, both in childhood and adulthood. Do we respond to frustration with flexibility or rigidity? Avoidance and control or openness and vulnerability?

Parenting feels like the most important job I will ever have. And, if you have read my other blog post, you know I have perfectionistic tendencies. So hearing that I actually shouldn’t strive for perfect parenting was a little unnerving. Holding tight can be a reflection of my own anxiety. Undoing the idea that my children are extensions of myself has been harder than I’d like to admit. They are humans, little humans, learning hard lessons every day. I find it extremely uncomfortable (don’t we all) to watch my children squirm through the important lessons of learning to tolerate feelings of sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration, but I know that it will help them understand themselves and give them more peace in the long run. Rushing to their aid to immediately meet their need no longer serves them when they can learn to meet that need themselves.

So, back to the “good enough mother”. Is it a cop out? No, because it’s harder than it sounds and for some of us, far from intuitive. “Good enough” means laying the foundation of deep trust, compassion and love, and balancing that by cultivating courageous independence. It means giving our children the permission to not be perfect, to try to come to their own rescue, to move towards the discomfort, the anxiety, the fear instead of trying to fix it for them. It’s not easy and we won’t always get it right.

But having chances to model trying again or apologies or explaining that we are human are also huge lessons for children. So what are we striving for? Connection. Compassion. Openness. Flexibility. Humanness. Being “Good Enough”.

Looking for support? Please reach out. I’d love to help.