Let’s Talk About Feelings…
Anyone who knows me at all knows I’m a big feeler. I feel big and deep and wide. I absolutely love the expression “all the feels” because, after a lifetime of practice, I am very good at feeling all the feels. I have grown into appreciating this about myself, embracing it as a true gift that allows me to provide empathetic counsel and be an active listener, a good friend and a supportive partner. But I didn’t always love it. In fact, I grew up a slave to my feelings. They were a relentless and unforgiving master, wrenching me from high to low at any given time. It was an overwhelming and frustrating way to live. I can’t say exactly when I started to examine the effect my feelings had on my well being, but I know that there came a time where I had to make a change. I began to notice that even after a feeling itself would pass, I would still be caught up in its wake, unable to shift gears quickly enough to keep up. What took time and attention to realize was that my feelings aren’t fact, but rather, interpretation, and they don’t define me. I am not my feelings. Although they create deep ways to connect with others and enjoy and understand the world, they are just feelings. I have a choice. I can either own my feelings, or they will own me. I was tired of experiencing the later, so I went to work on taking charge.
How, though? We all know how powerful feelings can be, having a great influence over how we view ourselves, interact with our loved ones, and generally, how we live our lives. For me, taking charge of my feelings meant learning to name them, not judge myself for feeling them, recognize their impermanence and release them. Clear as mud? Let’s look a little closer.
This process I’m calling “taking charge of my feelings”? In a more clinical term, it’s called emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is basically the process people use to manage their emotions. When someone is emotionally DYSregulated, they are having difficulty managing an emotion (or set of emotions).
Sometimes, when it’s close to bedtime at my house, and one of my children approaches me after they have brushed their teeth to say they are hungry, you may or may not see me looking up at the ceiling saying, “I AM DYSREGULATED!” I know. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s the first step in my regulation process. I forces me to notice that I’m having trouble managing my emotion. Then, in order to begin to manage it, I have to name it. How can I manage it if I’m not even acknowledging it’s existence?
“I’m frustrated.” Frustrated that I was on the one yard line of bedtime and now I’m feeling guilty for not handing out a cheese stick or pretzels or whatever. I. am. frustrated. It sounds painfully simple, but it’s shocking how much power we can regain if we just name what we are feeling. It works for kids, too! As Matt Haig puts it so beautifully in his The Comfort Book, “In order to get over a problem, it helps to look at it. You can’t climb a mountain that you pretend isn’t there.”
And, notice the second emotion that crept up there… “…and now I’m feeling GUILTY…”. I am having difficulty managing a SET of emotions/feelings. At this point, I have to be very careful not to judge whatever feelings I have just identified. Much easier said than done, especially when the feeling is undesired, uncomfortable or triggers other, more complicated feelings. But here’s the thing, the secret, the kicker… judging our feelings or ourselves for having them is a completely futile exercise. The only thing it accomplishes is triggering shame or guilt or more undesirable and uncomfortable feelings. And want to know the quickest way to becoming unproductive? Enter into a shame spiral.
So! What do we do if we notice ourselves judging our feelings? Try replacing that judgement with curiosity.
Judgmental self talk sounds like this - “I’m a terrible mother for feeling frustrated right now. I should be calmly attending to my daughters needs.”
Curious self talk sounds like this - “Why am I so frustrated right now? Well, it’s the end of the day. I’m tired and hungry and ready to eat my dinner and check out for the evening. I have calmly attended to everyone’s needs all day. No wonder I’m frustrated.”
Does that stop the feeling of frustration? No. But it lessens it. And it may erase the guilt all together.
Then, remember, this feeling of frustration is going to pass. My child isn’t going to stay up all night. She will eventually go to bed. Feelings are not permanent. Ask yourself, will I be feeling this way in fifteen minutes? An hour? I will likely not, as this moment will have passed. Reminding ourselves of the impermanence of our feelings is another way to lessen their grip. When we over identify with our feelings, we give them all the power.
You may be thinking, Um, Mary? That’s nice and all but when my kid is breathing down my neck for a 9pm snack, this ain’t gonna cut it. And I get that. My suggestion would be to practice these techniques in less intense moments. Emotional regulation is a skill and developing any skill requires practice. Practice just naming your emotion. Practice replacing judgmental self talk with curious self talk. Practice reminding yourself that the feeling will pass. And, as these skills becomes more automatic, you will be able to implement them in times of real struggle.
Need a little extra support with putting some of these ideas into action? Or teaching them to your child? I’d love to help.
